When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
