Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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