I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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