glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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