i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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