He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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