Kareoke will never be a sober sport
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
