theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
