It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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