If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
