Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
