New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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