some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
