walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
