Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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