tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
