No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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