can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
