She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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