Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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