the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
