Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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