apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
