he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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