Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
