Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
