Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
