chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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