awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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