mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He shit in the fireplace
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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