Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
