new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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