This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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