Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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