I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
