Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
