you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
