I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
