i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So. Much. Porn.
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