is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
