That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
