if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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