My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
where am i from again
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
