I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
