omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
