don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
