I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
