Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
