My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
