is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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