I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
